Thursday, 28 May 2009
She took me on her lap, placed my face gently against her palms and planted a wet kiss on my forehead. Sometimes I was amazed about her caring sensitivity for everyone. She always used to hold me and my sister close to her, eating her bread & tea in the morning, and narrated the same three stories over and over again. She started with ‘Kabir’, then followed a story of various Saints and the last story was always ‘Ihyo bi guzri vendo’(This also shall pass).
She also used to narrate us sometimes about her past, but that included only stories of her children.
I remember her peaceful face when she heard prayers and hymns early in the morning keeping her radio near her ears, with very low volume so that others might not be disturbed. And then mostly she sang along all the prayers and hymns. I remember her beautiful face filled with calmness… I was proud of her, of being her granddaughter.
I remember her 90th birthday very clearly. She was always so happy when all of us got together. Her contended face is still in front of my eyes. At 90 too she was a strong woman of mind. There was courage in her heart, determination in her veins. The look of her eyes with such intense care and love, made her eyes shine in an eternal bliss. Ah and she always used to keep in store Badam, Akhrots and Mithais for us. To me she always said; Meetu don’t be lazy in anything, just get up and jump! I used to enjoy learning so many things from her. I’ll never forget a sentence she told me once… “Meeta, any relationship is all about giving and taking, in which giving always has to be more than taking. You’ll find perfect people everywhere, only if you be the prefect partner to them!” It was amazing… so many things stored in her heart! She viewed the family as a circle of strength and love. With every birth and every union, the circle grows. Every joy shared adds more love. Every crisis faced together makes the circle stronger.
All the more it was painful for me to see her at the end. For me she was always a wonderful person conveying the quality of life. I felt so helpless when I saw her last. I felt sorry that I could not better it for her. I hope she has found relief and eternal peace at last. For me she will live forever in my sweet memories of her.
I miss you nani.
Monday, 25 May 2009
In the mornings I like to walk around the town, the suburb where I live, and now during late springtime, I always start around 7am, after the sun yawns up over the horizon. It’s my favourite time of the year to go for a brisk walk or say a light jog. Things move at their own pace in this city, no matter what time of the year it finds itself in. When I get out of the house, the sun is hiding up there like a wide-eyed curious kid, hugging the curtain of clouds, playing hide and seek, peek-a-boo! There are always some people standing on the opposite side of the main street waiting for the only inbound bus that travels once a day. And over time I’ve got used to them. To me they are statues. They stand there every time I step out my house-door on to the main street, as if they have stood there in that same position for ages and always will until I no longer come out here. They were put there for me. I walk down the centre square towards the city school. The houses appear empty. No sounds, no movement, yet the lawns are trimmed, the paths are swept clean and the fences appear to have been whitewashed yesterday. The BMWs, the Audis, the VWs are freshly waxed and standing neatly in their little garages. A ghost town without ghosts.
And the ocean in my heart already beckons me from a distance. My steps on the sidewalk call back, telling me how far I still am. Anything that would disturb me would be a pure coincidence. Nothing is directed at me. My shoes touch the cemented tiles of Maxplatz square and they yawn crisply in the misty morning dew. I stand for a moment and look out. Watching the beautiful little ducklings with their confused smile in the morning fog. I look at the flowing stream. Every time I'm here, I try to persuade myself that there is an ocean in front of me, a massive body of water, a giver and taker of life, with an array of calm and storm all in one. As I stare, my eyes adjust and all they discover is a small puddle. And beyond it, the hope that the sun shines through; the hope of brightness no eye can pierce. All I hear is breathing, heavy and thunderous. A roar lays in there. Yet only a puddle.
I sit down and wait until the first mild rays of light show themselves from behind the clouds in a distance. They begin to dance across the crests of waves in my heart, jumping towards me, springing from the fire that glows cardinal the length of my horizon. I squint my eyes together and like magic, the puddle grows to a lake and then to the Ocean. I see it as a gentle roar, docile with a strength that protects and doesn't harm, if one only wishes to be near and not conquer. The roar knows it will live forever and it treats me the same. As if I will always be around.The air smells as if it has just been born. I begin to walk along the stream towards the outskirts of the city. I walk almost to the next town and stop where the stream vanishes below the ground to give way to the Autobahn construction. It's funny how humans bend nature blocking it with their concrete jungles of technology. I smile. It doesn't affect my view of life though.
I carry my ocean within.
Monday, 18 May 2009
it's great if you're early but its fine if you're late
I was into writing some nostalgic stuff today morning but then instead decided elucidating a few moments i experienced this noon time today...
Today I sat on a sunny bank and waited for the sun to soak through me. It was exquisite. I had nowhere else to go, nothing else that needed to be done in that moment but sit in the sun. well okay I was out to send a fax at the postoffice nearby but after that I utilized that wee bit of moments in the sunshine, the rays caressing my face
And then suddenly it started raining. People rushed around like ants searching for shelter! I held out my hands and lifted up my face, and I thanked God that I that very moment had the joy of feeling the drops of rain on my face.
I had the moments of music and sunshine and rain, and I was thinking how little pressure I feel for anything right now... (Except for getting some errands done. hmm.) I don't feel like I have to do anything except be.
It used to be that my life's purpose was finishing studies or work. Now at the moment though, my life's purpose is to learn something far more valuable.
How to really live.
I got in such a funk today morning I woke up at 4:30am for some strange reason. Prayed and tried to go back to sleep but in vain, so umm was trying to write a sonnet. The first stanza is amazing, but I keep running into issues. Guess I'm not Shakespeare. Oh well. Also, my car insurance people called up finally after 6months and said Miss your car was nearly at 200,000km. Sometime on this tank of gas it was to change. And that pole accident totally scrutinized it, so you see M'am it was just the flipside. Inshort you aint getting the insurance money :-/
I have this theory that there's some sort of very thin but present universal psuedo-psychic link that causes people to think about and call the same location at the same time. (Also, office rythyms play a part in call volume and timing, thus a billion calls around the beginning and end of lunch, around break times, and just before close.) I have some belief in global consciousness, so telephones are just another facet of that. (I'm now creating a new filter called, "I have this theory..." for such theories. I put them in here all the time, but I'd love to be able to look them all up at once. Two in one post today.)
Now the important stuff! Normally I'm not supposed to talk about the kind of work I get with Rosy's, but I don't think that anyone will mind if I make an exception in this case. Anyone who knows me well or has been updated on my situation lately will appreciate the irony: I got a call from Rosy, my colleague from the orphanage and this week I'm working at the Obdachlosenheim(a home for homeless people) and Learning Centre for the week as front desk reception. (It is either slow or insanely fast. There was a nearby bookshelf, so I've been reading The Little Prince, which is actually fantastic even though I've kinda read it some 20times already before. The Little Prince has been my hero ever since I first took that book in my hands! And I'm ever so grateful to God that I have a friend like him!)
And so now about this place where I work in the evenings this week. Our city 'Home for the Homeless' food bank is an absolutely fantastic organization. I'm declaring this week my own personal Home for the Homeless Instituition Awareness Week. This is in part because I've always loved the food bank. I was totally thrilled that I got called in to work there this week! Anything to help them out because they are heroes. The supermarkets here throw away things that are in abundance or have just crossed the expiry date or products that are supposed to be fresh daily like eggs or salad leaves or fresh milk products that are unpacked. The institution heros got them supermarkets to donate the stuff daily to the homeless and people who cannot afford even a meal a day.
This thought came to me when a man walked into the Food Bank on friday evening, into the office area because he'd never been there before. He had a little girl on his arm. I asked if I could help him, and he said with a deep breath, "Unfortunately, yes." He began to outline his situation with rawness, obviously at the end of hope. My heart broke for his low dignity, his worn-out eyes. I gave him directions for the warehouse and wished him well. Then I had a moment of real clarity about how shitty I feel about my life right now.
FACT #1: It's hardest for them to get volunteers in summertime. (Not so long ago, 80% of people under age 50 volunteered their time in some manner, now only 20% do and that number is declining.)
FACT #2: My city's food bank distributes approximately 400 kg of food each month. (for about 1,000 people in total.)
FACT #3: and allover Bavaria 12,000 people, half of which are children, are served each month. (That's just about 5% of the state's entire population)
Live a life of privilege
Pushing back the last, the lost
The least of these
To dull the edge of concscience with conceit
Live a life and see the world
Feel it's weight on the shoulders of the least of these
It spins and twirls without rest or relief
We all, we all wear dignity
It covers the strong, the weak
All this just made me realize that although I maybe weird at times, but I'm still God's favourite somehow.
And all that I needed
Was there all along
Within my reach
As close as the beat of my heart
Also, in case I needed more awesomeness, I had a friend say, " Dodo I always knew YOU ARE AWESOMESTEST !!!!!" :)